By Brad VanFossan


Suck it Bob Costas.  And I do feel bad about your Sochi stink eyes, but baseball purists are not human, they are endangered species that need put out of their misery.  There is not one single good reason a pitcher should EVER bat in a Major League baseball game.  Note my redundancy.  But, there are a million reasons as to why they shouldn't.  First and foremost, they don't look good doing it.  They look like skinny point guards from Northeast Ohio high school basketball teams with arms that look like the barrels of whiffle ball bats.  There's nothing swagilicious about them.  Secondly, they can't hit the ball, and people don't pay good money to come watch a pitcher attempt to bunt a runner over.  Spare me with the National League is this elitist, we are so more strategic than the American League bs.  A monkey can manage a baseball game.  Who is the World Champion Boston Red Sox manager without googling it?  Exactly.  I know who it is, but who cares. 


The Pirates are my second, well maybe third team, and if I never have to watch one of their pitchers hit again, it will be too soon.  Yes, I'm ripping off an old Jim Rome phrase from 1997, but that pretty much nails it.  Purists are like Bill O'Reilly, annoying, closed-minded, smarter than everyone in the room and myopic.  And I don't hate Fox News, most of their anchors are sex kittens, but I digress.  Pitchers are almost an automatic out, and with only nine hitters in a lineup, that's over 10 percent of your lineup wetting the bed before the game even starts.  I don't particularly like those odds.  That would be like going into a shootout in hockey knowing if it goes past the traditional first round, there are a couple of your guys almost guaranteed not to score, or sending out a kicker who misses 8.5 to 9 of his every ten kicks.  Or it would be like a basketball player doing...oh yeah, no one cares about basketball.  To sum it up, it's like YSU going into the season of __________ sport and winning a championship.  I hope I am making all of your snark radars explode.  But seriously, the American League is so, so much better.


I want home runs, base hits, doubles, triples.  Damnit, I just want contact to be made!  Please National League, do yourself a favor and designate a hitter already!  It's 2014!  Have I said yet pitchers look foolish swinging and missing?  That goes without saying you say?  Sorry.  Designated hitters are bad asses, see Giambi, Jason.  Ok, they all can't be as cool as the Giambino, but just that one example is a good enough sample size to say that the DH is just much smoother than ANY pitcher hitting.  Spare me the once in a thousand at bats pitcher home run, even the Browns win at least four or five games every season.  The DH also provides late 30s to early 40 yr olds with a couple extra years of MLB employment, and spares us from hearing their terrible commentating skills for at least a couple more years.  So there, even the union would be on my side.  The pros vs the cons is like the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry since 2003, non-existent.  So National League, since pitchers look drunk when they attempt to hit, do the right thing, and take the keys, in this case bat, out of their hands.