By Brad VanFossan
1, 2, losses follow you. 3,4, 2nd and 3rd and can't score. 5,6 sell your season tix. 7,8 don't stay up late (to watch these bums lose in San Francisco and Arizona). 9, 10 yes we lost......again! No, it's not 1987 and it's not Cory Snyder, Joe Carter, Brook Jacoby, and Greg Swindell trotting out there for the tribesmen, but lately the results have been similar to that '87 team that lost over 100 games. But then again if not for the major suckage of that squad, the Indians might not have been the inspiration for Major League. You can't polish a turd but sometimes good things come from something that basically is crap.
But I'm wondering what good is going to come from this 2011 team that has forgotten how to hit, and in some instances (Fausto Carmona), pitch. Are we really supposed to believe that a rookie named Lonnie is supposed to be our savior all of a sudden? Really? Did someone really name their kid Lonnie in the late 80s? I guess that was the cocaine era, but sheesh. In all seriousness, the kid looks like a player, but this offense needs more than one stick to heat up to light a match to the rest of the American League. I know one person it's not going to be is Grady Sizemore. That kids stardom flamed out faster than the silly band craze, Who Wants to be a Millionaire being on multiple times in the same week circa '99, and a Browns winning streak. I bought the red Indians throwback jersey of the 70s because I like that particular jersey but unfortunately the only player available was Sizemore. I'm already mentally prepared for his inevitable trade at the end of July and adding this jersey to the heap of six or seven former Browns players jerseys I had who shortly after the purchase of the jersey were no longer on the team. I sense a pattern here. Lesson learned? I think not. Hello Goodwill.
Oh yeah I forgot about the few different Lebron James jerseys I had as well, but luckily I was able to ebay those before the decision because I knew he was gone. Not trying to brag, but how can you be a Cleveland fan for over 30 years and not know that was coming? Like every article I write, I digress. The Indians, that's why were here. They are the ammunition I stick in my mock and make fun gun. If they were on a winning streak this column could suddenly become boring. But I'd take that because then I would just make fun of the Cavs for taking a player from Duke with the number one overall pick, because Duke players are always awesome in the NBA! Is it just me or does Casey Anthony just look evil? I don't think any investigation is needed, just take a look at this dimented chick, she creeps me out. She might be the only person that looks scarier than Nancy Grace. Wow, I've really taken a fork in the road here. The moral to this story is I'm tired of the losing, don't see things getting much better, one of our better hitters who was struggling but starting to find his way a little is out 6-8 weeks (c'mon and ride it, the derailed CHOO CHOO train), Austin Kearns is still on this team, Fausto Carmona is still on this team, and the more I watch them, the angrier I get. When I get angry at the Indians I turn to Comedy Central. I don't like Dane Cook but yet I watched Employee of the Month instead of watching the pile of shit performance, which was the Sunday night game vs. the Giants, conveniently on national television by the way. When I turned the channel I thought, didn't I just turn from Comedy Central, and realized, well kind of, but it was ESPN.