State of the (Cleveland Sports) Union Address - Cleveland Indians Edition
By Brad VanFossan
Dear Cleveland Indians,
I have assessed the performance of your ball club both on and off the field over the past few years. You seemed to have your stuff together for awhile there, but even being the Indians in name, it is not okay for your ownership and front office to continue to blow smoke up your fans hind ends.
Your acts of frugality are similar to those of other elder statesmen who have held this office. They took a little extra cash to their grave, but not a World Series ring. I think you get my drift Mr. Dolan. Your continued signings of stiffs, oops, no disrespect to said elder statesmen, but your continued signings of the likes of Jason Johnson, David Dellucci, Trot Nixon, Jake Westbrook, and Travis Hafner show a sign of fiscal irresponsibility that only the national debt could also stake claim to. The monies saved from making smarter business decisions could all have been put in a kitty to help fairly compensate the likes of Carsten Charles Sabathia, Clifton Lee, and Victor Martinez.
You have alienated your fan base to the point that they would rather drive to Youngstown and watch an Elton John in concert. Heck, they would rather watch him in concert on HBO then tune into STO. Another problem we found, yes this list was almost as long as Mike Brown’s face Monday night, but I digress. Another problem with your ball club, Mr. Dolan, and Mr. Shapiro (and by the way Mr. Shapiro, I thought you played a good role as the main character in the new Nightmare on Elm St.), you own the network your games are broadcasted on. Most of your employers are afraid to criticize your horrendous decisions, and yes, even you Mr. Drennan, although you do more than most, you still walk a fine line.
The bottom line is your franchise is a mess and we are considering handing you an involuntary concession from this great land. You can no longer acquire minor leaguers, who in most cases aren’t even the other teams top 10 prospects for All Star caliber players, and you can’t be afraid to trade players who are the alleged face of the franchise but can’t hit .200 and have regressed every year, Mr. Sizemore. Moves like these must be made before other members of the union feel these players have lost the perceived and possibly mistaken value they had. You must act swiftly and precisely Mr. Shapiro as a recycled five year plan is going to get you canned. The fans have continued to roll their eyes at this team, now Mr. Dolan and Mr. Shapiro, your heads might be next. Shape up or ship out, maybe to Charlotte. I’d hate to see that happen to the good people and loyal fans of this city.
Your Commander in Chief (Not Wahoo)