The State of the (Cleveland Browns) Union Address
By Brad VanFossan
Dear Mr. Lerner,
After ten years of playing pin the tail on the donkey to pick your players and coaches, and even general managers, you finally saw the light. You hired a football man to run your team, such a novel concept huh? Did you need to sleep on that for a decade? Just sayin’. I’m giving you an A for the move of bringing in Mike Holmgren as team President and Tom Heckert as General Manager. Unlike your tribal neighbors a couple blocks away, it looks as if your team is headed in the right direction.
Your quarterback situation is still a little cloudy. Jake Delhomme is two days older than dirt, Seneca Wallace isn’t a starting quarterback, and Colt McCoy isn’t ready, but again, an A for effort picking him up where you did in the draft. At the very least, Jake can teach Colt some of the ins and out of the NFL game, even though his best years are behind him. And Seneca Wallace can be used with Josh Cribbs to mix things up a little bit here and there and keep defenses on their toes. As mediocre as it is now, this position is better off then the days of Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson by far. That should give you an idea of the level of terrible those guys were at.
You are in a good situation in case your head coach gets off to a 1-5 start, because you have your next one up in the luxury boxes. Mike Holmgren is that emergency coach in a glass bottle much in the lines of Chris Rock’s “plutonic guy” friends bit, you know, the certain part of the male anatomy in a glass bottle waiting to be broke by all women in that time of desperation. I definitely digress.
Your running game is definitely looking solid as you have a potential emerging Pro-Bowler in Jerome Harrison and a possible steal in draft pick Monterio Hardesty out of Tennessee. Unfortunately, most people can’t pronounce the name of the only good receiver you have, but Carlton Mitchell might surprise some people, to go alongside the kind of aforementioned Mohamed Massaquoi.
My Secretary of Defense likes your drafting of Joe Haden to strengthen your secondary, and the depth of your linebacking core. A pass rusher is also needed, but it’s only year one in the Holmgren era, this will get addressed soon so no need to fret.
Your drafting of players has improved a little, that’s not saying much, but baby steps forward are better than the Shaq in his prime backwards steps you’ve been taking the last decade. If our relationship was turned into a role play, I would be Elin Nordegren, and you would be Tiger Woods. But for some reason, you’re the only Cleveland team I would never be able to turn my back on. Something about those orange helmets coming out of the tunnel to some kind of Little Wayne protégé or AC/DC gets my blood boiling every Sunday, whether it’s at 1, 4, or 8pm.
Oh, and good news. You’re going to be the only thing going in town. Your baseball team is on a few year vacation, and Lebron James is most likely packing his bags. Get the cricket sound effect ready for the Q this winter. This means all eyes are on you. You’re on the right path, a path that might lead to even beating Pittsburgh once a year. A path that smells a lot like 8-8 in 2010. That equals out to average in my book, so I’m giving you a C. But don’t forget, you were held back last year, so hold your head up high and your beers up higher as you’re progressing while your rival Steelers are digressing.
And don’t feel bad, the Bears stink too.
All the Best,
The B Man in the Big White Crib